Dec 3, 2010

the great change-over

I was wondering what am i going trough?! A tough period? A complete closedown of barricades within myself? A change of mind? A hurricane in a tightly closed room? My vision has changed and i've started to see some extra-colours. I was searching for the real me. It was difficult to recognise. I was fighting. I've set a quarantine. I wanted to see nobody around. Guess it's hard to understand, that we grow up so differently, even beeing placed into equal conditions. Everybody should know - there is no equal conditions. It's a metaphor. You've got your best friends, people you can trust, but there is something you cannot share. It's not always about dark secrets, no. To be honest there's not so many dark secrets that i hide, just secrets, a little mystery. But with a flow of time you start to forget: how it's like - to share. And you grow havier with your mind closed. So you start to search for other ways of expressing yourself and clearing your background. The thing is that not everybody can have a  frank conversation with themselves. Who am i? What do i want? What i'm dreaming about? What is my background like? What am i to do to be where i want? What should i do to get what i want? What i can sacrifice in the name of my dream? And many other questions you should ask yourself first before starting to move to the outer circle. And there's one thing you better do before getting there - keep your inner circle closed. That's for your mental safety. When i meet people i always know that their face is covered by a vail (or mask - call it as you like) they gently put on every morning to present oneselves to the society justice. We all play games. But with ourselves - we take a rest. Whether we want it or we need it. People always want to seem somebody, but sometimes forget about beeing somebody. When the difference between these two meaning become too wide - the conflict is at it's highest point. And the time is never forgeting to matter how i want to change it. The wounds are healing, they are not bleeding anymore. But scars are left. Memories are transfering from conscience to subconscience. I was scared of myself sometimes. I was sorry for myself sometimes. I was on my way to learn how to love myself right, before i will love anybody else. This will be honest. And growin up..sometimes takes a little longer than teen age...
:know who you are at every age:cocteau twins


  1. I thought I commented on this..Figuring out who you are, what you want, and what you have done and are willing to do to get there, is the hardest part of life, i don't know if you ever truly know, you just continue on your path, putting everything that haunts you or has haunted you aside, waiting for the next thing to come. I think most of us can't have frank conversations with ourselves, and even opening up to it, is much farther than most people are willing to go. I'm past teenage age I guess, but I'm still just starting to figure things out

  2. Ohhh Liz, that means you really understand what i'm saying. We never could reach the ideal when we want it most of all. Cause those who see clearly how little do we know about ourselves - always want to figure out something else. It's like you're insatiable for getting better, for upgrading yourself. That means that you always continue on your path, as you said,no matter what happens you can't ..just stand still. In my teens i saw the world in candy colours, and i thought that we are able to get over some social things if we only want it so much. But i was not always honest with myself about my true desires. I was loosing time. I mean...the more you go into society, the less you know about yourself. I think))) But luckily for us, we've got some time to figure this out. New era is starting now))